Monday, December 3, 2012

The one where I confess.

While I adore this time of year, sometimes the holidays drudge up some interesting thoughts in my head.  At 27, I think a little deeper than I did in my college days.  I'm probably not the only one thinking some of these thoughts, so it's my time to share them with you.

-I confess that I'm jealous of those with close families.  While all families have dysfunctions of some kind, I have some significant ones that makes seeing family a little bit harder at the holidays.
-I confess my family difficulties have made me scared I will be a bad mother by unwillingly repeating my own experiences.  Based solely on the fact that I have been through certain things or was raised in a particular way, I'm deathly afraid that I will repeat negative experiences, feelings, or morals.
-I confess that, speaking of kids, I don't know if I want to have any.  There are a million reasons and fears behind this.  I won't go into them all, but I'm only 27.  These days that's still young.  I know you love your children dearly when you have them...that doesn't mean I need to have them when I'm not ready.
-I confess that even though I may not want kids, I totally have names picked out.  Yep.  There's that.
-I confess that I think about the kids/no kids debate a lot.
-I confess that I have never felt fitter and healthier in my life.  It is probably one of the best feelings in the world.
-I confess that I would rather spend money on clothes than I would getting my hair done.  This sadly makes my hair suffer dearly.
-I confess that I adore working with kids, but I do not like to be around children in my own personal time.
-I confess that I am totally selfish and have to make a significant effort to show D that I appreciate & love him.  Sometimes I get so caught up in me.  What I want, my laziness, my plans.  Even if it is just making sure he comes home to a semi-clean house after a trip, it really is the small things.  I will likely always be working on this, but it's important to me to try to do a better job since he does so much for me.

That's all I've got for now (but trust me, I could go on).

What are your confessions?


Taylor said...

I completely relate to being jealous of your friends with close families. For me it was the worst in high school and college to the point where I hated going to my friends houses because it felt like their parents liked me around more than my own!

Allie said...

I do want kids I just don't know when. It's such a huge life changing decision! The pressure I get from my mother in law makes me push back my time frame even longer. Drives me nuts!

Nikki said...

You totally sound like me! I will be 28 in a few days and I totally don't think like I did in college. I found your blog on the blog brunch & I'm from Raleigh too! I hope your having a great Monday!


Oliviaaa said...

lady! i just want to give you a big ol hug!

and that last one... i'm quite selfish as well. and I'm starting to see how much of an effort i need to make for B.

Alex Byer said...

THIS is perfect. Honestly. Because I feel like I look around the blogging world and it's like ALEX! YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW! AND WANT BABIES! AND ALL OF THIS STUFF! And it's so scary because that's not happening for me right now, and it makes me feel so...weird? But I love your honesty.

Claire Kiefer said...

I can relate to so many of these. And I love it when bloggers are brave and honest like you were in this post!

I've got some pretty serious family dysfunction happening right now & am quite anxious about my trip home this month. :( I have a few friends (albeit just a few!) with incredibly "normal" families--parents still happily together, harmony with everyone, etc . . . and it is amazing. And makes me jealous.

As for kids, this is an issue I struggle with a lot. I want them, but there are several complicating factors. Matt had a vasectomy when he was married, and while it's reversible, we can't afford that any time soon. Nor can we afford children. I'm 31, and even I think I have plenty of time. . . so you've got nothin' to worry about, my dear. ;) Still, it eats away at me sometimes!

xoxoxo to you!

meghan said...

Thanks for sharing this post. I think there are so many similarities that we share. I think you're going to be a great parent (if you choose to be) one day because you do have an idea of what you want to make sure that you don't repeat. I too struggle so much with the whole kids thing. I am pretty sure I want kids at some point, but being around people with kids makes me realize that the time definitely isn't now. I have so many other things that I think about and want to do before we have kids. Luckily Tim is on the same page with that. I think we're lucky that we each feel this way.

I agree also about the hair and being around children in my personal time. My hair is a hot mess, and one of my favorite things about the end of school is when I get in my car and there's no noise at all. It actually takes me a second to adapt to silence, as it is so loud sometimes.

Thanks for sharing all of this! It's nice to hear personal stuff like this sometimes.

The Adventurer said...

We're the same. Just FYI.

And its totes okay to still have the jury out on the kids thing. So okay.

Unknown said...

thank you for these confessions. I'm right there with you on the first two. sending you love this holiday!

Anna {dear friend} said...

Thanks for writing this, Kristen.

I know I want to have kids, but I don't know when. Certainly not now. I'm too selfish, too. I think about that sometimes. How selfish I am, and sometimes it stresses me out.

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are married because I'm not yet and sometimes feel the pressure like I should be. But then I know I'm not quite ready for that yet either. And I'm okay with that. (I AM confident that I am in a good place and in the right place for me, for us, right now. And that makes me feel happy.)

I do not feel fit at all right now and I want to change that. But I'm having the hardest time getting started.

I also do not really like to hang out with kids (5-10 years old) in my own personal time. Whenever I'm around Zan's younger cousins I'm just like "STOP. GET AWAY. YOU'RE ANNOYING" Weird, but true! (I do like toddlers, though. And babies.)

I spend WAY too much money on clothes. It's actually not okay.

Lastly, I confess that I still feel incredibly young. (I'm 29.) I still feel like I'm in high school/college sometimes. And most of the time this is a good thing, but sometimes it worries me. Will I ever feel like a grown-up?

Wishing you peace this holiday season! XO, friend!

Anna {dear friend} said...

P.S. Wrote you a book. No biggie.

Anna {dear friend} said...

Also, I spelled your name wrong. Silly me. Still friends?

Genna said...

I think with what it sounds like your excperiences growing up, you will be a great mother! You have witness what you do not want to be, and you will make a positive and thoughtful decision not to make the same mistakes. I do nto want kids, or at least anytime soon! I can't think of having them, maybe when that special someone comes along that will all change. I work with kids and they even said to me yesterday, you can never have kids! Yes, i do not want my own of "you" running around! No thank you and I am happy to see them leave at the end of the day. My hair, needs total help! Love workout clothes than a haricut, those are expensive these days!
happy days :)

Heidi said...

I'm right there with you on the hair! My hair is such a mess right now that it's almost a joke. I can't make myself spend the money to get it cut, but I'm all about shopping and buying more clothes and shoes. Every time I think about it I sort of convince myself that I could have gotten it cut a million times by now, but then I make an excuse!

Leesh said...

I feel the same as you, I am jealous of really close families. I am the one who wants to escape Christmas every year to somewhere hot because Christmas makes me sad.

I am also like you, I am not sure if I want kids. There are days that I may pine for one and then there are days that I am content with continuing to live life without kids.

undomestic mama said...

I'm totally not trying to convince you to have kids but as a mom to twin toddlers who comes from a dysfunctional family, you will not necessarily be a bad mom. I've made a conscientious effort to not repeat the mistakes my parents made with me. Ultimately, as I'm sure you know, you've got to do what's right for you.


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