Forgiveness.

Ashley's apology the other day really got me thinking.  I rarely share about my family, my intimate relationships, friends...the real personal stuff that gets to the core of who you are.  Why?  Mainly, I think that some things should be kept private.  Things can be said in a moment; any one can read what I say in little space of mine. And to be honest, I like to focus on primarily the happy and positive aspects of my life.  That's what makes me most happy. Reliving the best parts of my life, not the worst.  Sometimes though, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and get to the heart of matters.

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Negativity can get the best of me.  At heart, I am a pessimistic and complaining person.  I've been trying to work on cutting some additional negativity out of my life.  I have drastically cut out blogs that annoyed me more than not and simply deleted (not just hid) facebook "friends" that gave me an additional reason to complain on any given day.  Unfortunately, the negativity, frustration, and anger that can not be cut out is family.

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Back to forgiveness.  One simple thing Ashley said really made me think,

"I forgive you because I love you."

As an adult, not child, of divorce, with two young siblings (and one older) who still live at home, I hold on to so much anger, frustration, hurt, and helplessness.  I have no relationship with my mother.  A multitude of emotions are the result of this faulted "relationship."  Anger, hurt, confusion, worry, frustration.  I often wonder what would go through my mind if she ever reached out to me, tried {again} to bridge that gap.  Could I forgive?  Could I forget?  So much of me feels like these two go hand in hand.  Is forgiveness as simple as Ashley says?  My mind says I can not forgive and certainly never forget.  The hurt and emotion seem to go too deep.  Is there an invisible line that is crossed by another that leads you to feel incapable of forgiving, feel the fear of continual hurt?

Obviously, my feelings and emotions go much deeper that I would delve into in this space.  The hurt that I feel goes beyond me, to others much more innocent and incapable of fully understanding.  Families are a complicated thing.  My only hope and wish is that this makes me a stronger and better person in the end.

A girl with a dream.

That girl would be me.  Do you ever daydream about those carefree days...in high school, college?  Sure it was hard at times.  I was discovering myself, learning the lessons that would shape who I am today.  Some of those lessons learned tend to linger, creeping into adulthood.

Source: 2.bp.blogspot.com via Kristin on Pinterest

As an adult, my dreams have become overshadowed by the responsibilities that come with this life.  I get bogged down by these obligations.  It is, after all, the reason I'm trying to boost my daily happiness.  I'm reminding myself much more often of how grateful I am for this life I have with my D, my furry babies, having a job, and everything else wonderful I have.  There is still the disheartening fact that I may never live out some of my beautiful dreams.

Punky got me thinking about dreams when she posed this question,

"I'm curious--if you could go and/or do anything you wanted to in your life right now... what would it be? Where would you relocate?"

Source: bonafidechainblinger.com via Kristin on Pinterest

If I could do anything with my life right now...I would be a travel writer and get paid to write/blog on the side.  Traveling is my passion; I could not fully live a life without travel.  I dream of being my own boss, doing something I love and getting paid for it.  I have a small dream of writing my own book.  Having a job that gives me the opportunity to travel and be paid for it would be a dream come true.

Why can't this dream come true?  I don't have a degree that proves I know how to write.  I'm up to my ears in student loan debt and just can't afford to go back to school.  I don't think anyone is extending offers to pay someone to travel and drink for a living.

Where would I relocate...I'm absolutely obsessed with Europe.  After our trip around Europe, I can not stop thinking about how amazing it would be to live there.  The easy accessibility to so many amazing places filled with enthralling histories.  The beauty.  The cultures.  I'm fascinated.  It would be a dream come true to relocate to any city in Europe.  I'll take an job there...just the opportunity to live there would be enough for me.

Source: tfisherart.com via Kristin on Pinterest

My dreams continue to stay big, but what if I never see that day that they come true?  Adulthood can make you feel stuck.  How do you get unstuck and follow your big dreams?

How would you answer Punky's question? 

Fresh start.

It's time for me to turn over a new leaf.  I complain a lot.  I talk a lot about figuring out things that make me happy.  I'm consistently feeling like I'm in a rut.  The reality for me is that I can not change things.  There's plenty of quotes over on Pinterest about changing things to be happy.

Source: etsy.com via Kristin on Pinterest

I can't change the "big" things in my life, the things that occupy much of my daily time and my scale of happiness.  I can't change my career.  I can't change my loan debt.  I can't change my income.  I can't travel all the time.

Source: designeditor.typepad.com via Kristin on Pinterest

What I can do is change small things in my life.  I can change my mindset.  I can be happier.  I have the freedom to be happy (and I'm brainstorming a new tattoo to make this a daily reminder).  I truly do not think I will ever be 100% happy if I can't learn how to make happiness, not stress and frustration, a daily part of my life...through the best, worst, and not-so-good times.  Now I don't want to get ahead of myself.  When I was teaching middle school, I started adopting a mindset of positivity every morning.  It worked...for about a month.  It's time for a new plan, a fresh start.

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Time to use these five simple rules for happiness.  In order to not overwhelm myself, I'm employing Gretchen Rubin's (author of one of my favorite books, The Happiness Project) method of having a monthly goal.

Starting immediately after spring break (April 9), it's time for my own mini-Happiness Project.

• Yoga - at least 3 mornings per week
• Gratitude/quote journal - record in it prior to yoga

[Yoga for Beginners Boxed Set]

D ordered this awesome boxed yoga set for us recently.  I did the am Gentle yoga last weekend and loved it.  I've been going to beginner yoga at the YMCA since January, and I love it.  It's become a relaxing, calming way for me to start the week.  I think hope that the am yoga is going to be the perfect way for me to address the happiness rule #2: Free your mind from worries. 

[via Amazon]

I know the gratitude journal seems cheesy.  It's just that all of these great quotes, mantras, mentalities just slip my mind so quickly.  It's time to change that.  It's the perfect way to set my intention and end my yoga practice in the morning.  It's a way for me to maintain my mindset because I can carry it with me.  Whilst researching a gratitude blog, I did come across this little gem...

[happy tapper!]

It's a really cute app that let's you record five things per day that you're grateful for.  It is designed in the cutest way!  I may use it temporarily since 99 cents is cheaper then $12 for the physical journal.  I do think I will invest in the journal if I can maintain this goal.  

Tell me, what keeps you happy on a daily basis?

Let's get real :: finances.

I consider myself to be extremely lucky.  While I don't often acknowledge it, I really am.  I have an amazing husband who is employed in a job/career he adores, and he gets paid well.  I don't get paid well, but I have a job (unlike almost 9% of other Americans).  I'm lucky that I have two degrees and decent experience in fields that are typically easier to find jobs (in case we ever move again).  I'm lucky that we have a house and cars.  I'm lucky to live in the best city to live in the United States.  I'm lucky to have four healthy pets.  I'm lucky we have had amazing opportunities to travel.  I am definitely lucky.

Source: google.co.uk via Dan on Pinterest

Sometimes I have to just get real though.  I get depressed about my financial situation often enough.  As much as I adore the blogging world, it has a way of contributing to the depression.  It can be hard to see amazing fashion posts, instagram pics, and tweets of bloggers' newest, expensive (or cheap but substantially large) purchases.  Sure, I'm jealous, envious, and the like.  It makes me reminisce on those days of working my first full-time, salaried job.  I blew money on all the designer digs, shoes, frivilous items I wanted.  It was amazing.  I mostly limit myself to a teeny, tiny budget to buy one to two new fashion pieces per monthly paycheck.  Some fashions/trends can be recreated with budget pieces.  Others can't.  I just wish I did not have to be so thrifty with my (minimal) spending.  I want to be able to splurge on that $150 item that was marked down from $400.

While I took out my student loans, chose my own (low paying) career, and saved poorly, it often feels like a neverending cycle.  Will I ever pay off student loans?  Will I ever get a raise (none for teachers/public sector workers in five years I believe)?  It's frustrating when the cycle seems like it will never change (you know seeing that last loan payment date as 2025...what?!).  I joked with D the other day that if we ever had kids (no, no, no, we're not even considering it! You know how I feel about that...those opinions have not changed) we would have to sell our pets because we couldn't afford both.  I seriously could not imagine how we could ever afford a child in the next five years minimum.

Source: slumberdesigns.blogspot.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Nonetheless, I am lucky (plus I have paid off my credit cards!).  When I have a little too much time on my hands, I start browsing blogs more.  I start thinking and thinking myself in circles.  All this thinking coincides with my increased student loan payments beginning next month.  The crazy thing is...I'm not so despressed about not being able to buy all the fabulous designer pieces I see everyone wearing.  I'm more depressed about the thought that I may not get to travel as much because you know that's my thing.

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[Except it can when that dream is traveling or college or having a career that requires college or owning a house or...]