Forgiveness.

Ashley's apology the other day really got me thinking.  I rarely share about my family, my intimate relationships, friends...the real personal stuff that gets to the core of who you are.  Why?  Mainly, I think that some things should be kept private.  Things can be said in a moment; any one can read what I say in little space of mine. And to be honest, I like to focus on primarily the happy and positive aspects of my life.  That's what makes me most happy. Reliving the best parts of my life, not the worst.  Sometimes though, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and get to the heart of matters.

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Negativity can get the best of me.  At heart, I am a pessimistic and complaining person.  I've been trying to work on cutting some additional negativity out of my life.  I have drastically cut out blogs that annoyed me more than not and simply deleted (not just hid) facebook "friends" that gave me an additional reason to complain on any given day.  Unfortunately, the negativity, frustration, and anger that can not be cut out is family.

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Back to forgiveness.  One simple thing Ashley said really made me think,

"I forgive you because I love you."

As an adult, not child, of divorce, with two young siblings (and one older) who still live at home, I hold on to so much anger, frustration, hurt, and helplessness.  I have no relationship with my mother.  A multitude of emotions are the result of this faulted "relationship."  Anger, hurt, confusion, worry, frustration.  I often wonder what would go through my mind if she ever reached out to me, tried {again} to bridge that gap.  Could I forgive?  Could I forget?  So much of me feels like these two go hand in hand.  Is forgiveness as simple as Ashley says?  My mind says I can not forgive and certainly never forget.  The hurt and emotion seem to go too deep.  Is there an invisible line that is crossed by another that leads you to feel incapable of forgiving, feel the fear of continual hurt?

Obviously, my feelings and emotions go much deeper that I would delve into in this space.  The hurt that I feel goes beyond me, to others much more innocent and incapable of fully understanding.  Families are a complicated thing.  My only hope and wish is that this makes me a stronger and better person in the end.

Happiness lately.

Source: piccsy.com via Kristin on Pinterest

It seems like forever ago that I wrote about having a fresh start, turning over a new leaf.  While I followed through with some of my goals, the game changer was a new job.  This was three months before I started my new job.  I officially realized I could never be happy working in a job that made me miserable.  My current job is not perfect.  Some days are stressful, but I am happy.  While you may not always see my happiness shining through (especially with lack of blogging recently), I'd rather focus on that than a boring monologue about what I've been up to.

Things making me happy lately:

+Our December Mexico trip
+Fitting into much smaller clothing sizes I've never seen in 10+ years
+Working hard on Ripped in 30
+D telling me that I can price cleaning services
+Gift buying
+The idea of DIY-ing some gifts & decorations (must follow through)
+Buying glitter
+Not supposed to have favorites, but a few special kiddies at work warm my heart daily
+D
+Not having to shower daily (healthier hair due to better eating habits?)
+Dawson's Creek eps & having Anna watching them too (they're much better with a twitter buddy)
+Hour long work breaks, Whole Foods down the street, and lots of time to read.
+My new desk & the prospects of finally decorating that little space

I would honestly like to go on, but I'll save the rest for later.  And I'll leave you with this little beauty that I totally want to frame.

Source: designerbagsanddirtydiapers.blogspot.com via Kristin on Pinterest

A girl with a dream.

That girl would be me.  Do you ever daydream about those carefree days...in high school, college?  Sure it was hard at times.  I was discovering myself, learning the lessons that would shape who I am today.  Some of those lessons learned tend to linger, creeping into adulthood.

Source: 2.bp.blogspot.com via Kristin on Pinterest

As an adult, my dreams have become overshadowed by the responsibilities that come with this life.  I get bogged down by these obligations.  It is, after all, the reason I'm trying to boost my daily happiness.  I'm reminding myself much more often of how grateful I am for this life I have with my D, my furry babies, having a job, and everything else wonderful I have.  There is still the disheartening fact that I may never live out some of my beautiful dreams.

Punky got me thinking about dreams when she posed this question,

"I'm curious--if you could go and/or do anything you wanted to in your life right now... what would it be? Where would you relocate?"

Source: bonafidechainblinger.com via Kristin on Pinterest

If I could do anything with my life right now...I would be a travel writer and get paid to write/blog on the side.  Traveling is my passion; I could not fully live a life without travel.  I dream of being my own boss, doing something I love and getting paid for it.  I have a small dream of writing my own book.  Having a job that gives me the opportunity to travel and be paid for it would be a dream come true.

Why can't this dream come true?  I don't have a degree that proves I know how to write.  I'm up to my ears in student loan debt and just can't afford to go back to school.  I don't think anyone is extending offers to pay someone to travel and drink for a living.

Where would I relocate...I'm absolutely obsessed with Europe.  After our trip around Europe, I can not stop thinking about how amazing it would be to live there.  The easy accessibility to so many amazing places filled with enthralling histories.  The beauty.  The cultures.  I'm fascinated.  It would be a dream come true to relocate to any city in Europe.  I'll take an job there...just the opportunity to live there would be enough for me.

Source: tfisherart.com via Kristin on Pinterest

My dreams continue to stay big, but what if I never see that day that they come true?  Adulthood can make you feel stuck.  How do you get unstuck and follow your big dreams?

How would you answer Punky's question? 

Late weekend updates.

You guys, this week has been busy.  We did have a pretty kick-ass weekend, which was the perfect way to end my spring break (41 days, 41 days of school left). (Oh, and you can totally see these in "real time" if you follow me on Instagram!)

 [This guy overwhelming my work space]

 [Trying to perfect the sock bun...not sure it will ever happen]

 [Layers, boots, and a messy room]

 [Beer, beer, and beer.  Think extreme...beer in tequila barrels.  Holy hangover]

 [I started my mini-happiness project early]

 [A million cuddles with my favorite]

 [Amazing bike ride to Tasty Beverage for beer, cheese and crackers.  Guarantee I'll be doing this shit weekly.]

After such an amazing end of the week/weekend, I had to find a mantra for the week.  

To be honest, the beginning of the first day back to school was awful.  I almost broke down in tears.  It ended up being ok though.  I did start my day with yoga and really tried to focus on the positive.  I ended my day by winning something (I NEVER win) and coming home to our chicken coop!  More to come on the coop later!

Here's to a quick hump day and speedy Friday so we can start our weekend!